Post by HoudiniDerek on Oct 30, 2006 2:46:26 GMT -5
Now that this story has been finished and hopefully re-checked, I am unlocking it so people can comment on it and tell MelMac what they thought about the story. I'll go first.
There were quite a few awkward sentences or ones that had grammatical problems...tsk, tsk, someone is not checking their works with a fine tooth comb. I only noticed it a handful of times spread out over the course of the story, but it was distracting.
In Chapter 2, Pam says that she didn't realize that the drug was addictive. Are you KIDDING? It is a refined form of COCAINE for crying out loud! I just think that made her appear a bit Hollyish.
Also, Chapter 2 referenced Pam and Ralph's office...funny...I thought Pam was the lawyer.
Chapter 3 gives us another weird name with the Dr. Absalom. Kills you to use SMITH or something doesn't it? Better on the bad guys though.
Chapter 6 gave us a new power for blind people. Once you are blind, suddenly you become psychic. Odd that it happened to Pam...even Ralph was only psychic once...and it took him HOURS to figure it out...Pam IS a genius.
Chapter 9 has a funny moment with Joe seeing Ralph in the suit. Ralph does telekinesis on the gun and yet instead of being surprised about it...Joe takes it in stride and then tries to punch Ralph. Odd. (Coincidentally, we never learn how Joe ended up feeling or if he got out of the headbasket ward or anything...nor the other agent that tried to smother Pam).
Chapter 10 lets us see more of that Pam psychicness. Pam assumes the nurse who gave the cop the coffee was the gang leader. Odd, but why her? Why not the guy who tried to shoot up Bill? No good reason for that deduction.
Chapter 11 has a weird plot point too. A nurse sees the Hinkleys get abducted...and yet, instead of sounding the alarm at the instant it happened, it is later AFTER the van left. Why not pull the fire drill or scream to the FBI agents inside or something?
Chapter 11 also has Pam as SUPER strong. When Ralph is pretend choking so Pam can knock out the bad guy, she hits the guy with a length of pipe. Somehow she knocks out the bad guy AND hits Ralph in the shoulder with the pipe hard enough to hurt. Not only is it odd that she hit the bad guy AND Ralph's shoulder, but she hit it hard enough that Ralph yelped in pain...which is odd since some guys hit him with boards in the arm and they don't hurt.
Chapter 12 has a weird moment when Bill is being attacked. The guy outside the door was talking and said "we." Yet, there is only the one guy. Was he bipolar and talking to himself or something or did the other person run away...was he on a walkie talkie or what? Odd plot device to get Bill to catch him.
Also, Chapter 12 has helped us realize that some people's air conditioning works better than others. Pam and Ralph are put into an air-conditioned room that might KILL them according to the inference by the bad leader lady. Their electricity bills must be high...a freezer would have been better.
Chapter 12 shows us that Ralph can't make up his mind. In Chapter 11, Ralph changed into the suit and then they were caught. In Chapter 12, Ralph changes out of his clothes again. Did the bad guys dress him back up or something?
Chapter 12 gives us nice plot points with the potassium storage for the bomb casings. Is that the special stuff the bad guys had to get earlier though? Hard to tell as it is not addressed. And why would Pam use a bottle of that to HIT a guy over the head with? I would be worried it would break and be exposed to a combustible element.
I liked the story overall, mainly for Pam, but some of the elements were good and the title showed great creativity. I am curious about the drug...why do some people react and go on killing sprees and not others? What made it different? This was a HUGE loose end in the story that should have been addressed. Also, where was the Pam facing down Janice scene in jail or something? No catfight with TWO good eyes? Bah.
Great story overall and I hope others have read it and will rate it for you too. I give it an 8/10 and I hope you and other fan fiction writers will do more stories like this on this forum.
There were quite a few awkward sentences or ones that had grammatical problems...tsk, tsk, someone is not checking their works with a fine tooth comb. I only noticed it a handful of times spread out over the course of the story, but it was distracting.
In Chapter 2, Pam says that she didn't realize that the drug was addictive. Are you KIDDING? It is a refined form of COCAINE for crying out loud! I just think that made her appear a bit Hollyish.
Also, Chapter 2 referenced Pam and Ralph's office...funny...I thought Pam was the lawyer.
Chapter 3 gives us another weird name with the Dr. Absalom. Kills you to use SMITH or something doesn't it? Better on the bad guys though.
Chapter 6 gave us a new power for blind people. Once you are blind, suddenly you become psychic. Odd that it happened to Pam...even Ralph was only psychic once...and it took him HOURS to figure it out...Pam IS a genius.
Chapter 9 has a funny moment with Joe seeing Ralph in the suit. Ralph does telekinesis on the gun and yet instead of being surprised about it...Joe takes it in stride and then tries to punch Ralph. Odd. (Coincidentally, we never learn how Joe ended up feeling or if he got out of the headbasket ward or anything...nor the other agent that tried to smother Pam).
Chapter 10 lets us see more of that Pam psychicness. Pam assumes the nurse who gave the cop the coffee was the gang leader. Odd, but why her? Why not the guy who tried to shoot up Bill? No good reason for that deduction.
Chapter 11 has a weird plot point too. A nurse sees the Hinkleys get abducted...and yet, instead of sounding the alarm at the instant it happened, it is later AFTER the van left. Why not pull the fire drill or scream to the FBI agents inside or something?
Chapter 11 also has Pam as SUPER strong. When Ralph is pretend choking so Pam can knock out the bad guy, she hits the guy with a length of pipe. Somehow she knocks out the bad guy AND hits Ralph in the shoulder with the pipe hard enough to hurt. Not only is it odd that she hit the bad guy AND Ralph's shoulder, but she hit it hard enough that Ralph yelped in pain...which is odd since some guys hit him with boards in the arm and they don't hurt.
Chapter 12 has a weird moment when Bill is being attacked. The guy outside the door was talking and said "we." Yet, there is only the one guy. Was he bipolar and talking to himself or something or did the other person run away...was he on a walkie talkie or what? Odd plot device to get Bill to catch him.
Also, Chapter 12 has helped us realize that some people's air conditioning works better than others. Pam and Ralph are put into an air-conditioned room that might KILL them according to the inference by the bad leader lady. Their electricity bills must be high...a freezer would have been better.
Chapter 12 shows us that Ralph can't make up his mind. In Chapter 11, Ralph changed into the suit and then they were caught. In Chapter 12, Ralph changes out of his clothes again. Did the bad guys dress him back up or something?
Chapter 12 gives us nice plot points with the potassium storage for the bomb casings. Is that the special stuff the bad guys had to get earlier though? Hard to tell as it is not addressed. And why would Pam use a bottle of that to HIT a guy over the head with? I would be worried it would break and be exposed to a combustible element.
I liked the story overall, mainly for Pam, but some of the elements were good and the title showed great creativity. I am curious about the drug...why do some people react and go on killing sprees and not others? What made it different? This was a HUGE loose end in the story that should have been addressed. Also, where was the Pam facing down Janice scene in jail or something? No catfight with TWO good eyes? Bah.
Great story overall and I hope others have read it and will rate it for you too. I give it an 8/10 and I hope you and other fan fiction writers will do more stories like this on this forum.